Selfless Control

Spiritual Skill: Self-Control (wk. 12/13)

Reading: Exodus 18:13-26

I’ve done a lot of partner workouts in my life, but none compare to marriage.

In running workouts, people don’t usually pick me, not because I’m slow, but because I’m fast… and, at times, stubborn. As a smaller athlete, I tend to overcompensate with speed and intensity. I’ll sprint ahead, get as much done as I can before my partner catches up, and leave them to finish the rest. It’s a fine strategy for fitness. But for marriage? It’s a disaster.

Marriage requires self-control. You can’t be out front trying to win and expect your partner to keep up. I’ve been learning this the hard way, especially with our three-month-old son in the mix. The temptation is to grip tighter, try harder, and do more on my own. But that’s not self-control. That’s self-reliance. And ironically, it’s when I rely on myself too much that I lose the very control I thought I had.

God’s version of self-control isn’t about willpower, it’s about wisdom. It’s choosing to worry less about doing everything right and more about inviting others in. It’s not about proving yourself but partnering with God and community so you’re not crushed by the weight of it all.

In Exodus 18, Moses finds himself in a similar spot. His father-in-law Jethro visits and sees Moses worn out, sitting from morning till evening, trying to judge and lead the people of Israel all by himself. Jethro tells him plainly: “What you’re doing is not good… You will wear yourself out” (Exodus 18:17–18).

Even as God’s chosen leader, Moses wasn’t meant to carry the burden alone. Jethro encourages him to delegate, to trust a community of wise, capable men with the smaller matters so Moses can focus on what only he can do. He adds, “If you do this… you will be able to endure, and all these people will go to their place in peace.”

That’s the power of community. It brings clarity, correction, and peace. Self-reliance only leads to confusion, exhaustion, and pride. As Proverbs 18:17 says, “The first to speak in court sounds right, until the other comes and cross-examines him.” When you’re alone, your way always seems right. But in community, you get perspective. You get refined.

I’ve realized I need that too. When I feel hurt, offended, or misunderstood, my instinct is to make everything about me. I double down on doing things my way, and my need to “prove my point” turns into weaponizing my effort. Statements like, “I’ve been doing everything today,” or “I filled up the car since you didn’t,” become arrows I launch, not from love, but from resentment and exhaustion. Without a real community willing to say, “Hey, you’re being a bit of a drama king right now,” or committed to praying with you when times are hard, our attempts at self-control often end with us losing control, fracturing peace within and around us.

You might be leading a family, a staff, or a team. Whether you realize it or not, the people around you are relying on you to lead with self-control. Even Moses, who started with wise counsel, eventually let pride take over. In Numbers 20, under pressure, he struck the rock in anger and took credit for God’s provision. His disobedience was rooted in self-reliance. If even Moses could fall short, what hope do we have?

Enter Jesus.

Jesus had every reason to rely on himself, his power, his platform, his following. Yet he constantly pointed back to the Father. Instead of staying on earth and drawing people to himself one by one, he trained and empowered a community of disciples. Before ascending into heaven, he said, “Greater things than these will you do…” (John 14:12), then sent the Spirit to ignite a global movement of salvation. In Gethsemane, facing the cross, he prayed, “Not my will, but yours be done.” That is self-control. It's submission in suffering, dependence in pressure.

True self-control doesn’t come from trying harder. It comes from surrendering faster. We trust the Spirit, receiving his help, and taking our eyes off ourselves long enough to remember -- we're not alone.

Maybe there’s a “Jethro” in your life. Maybe someone's trying to help you carry what’s too heavy. Don’t push them away. Don’t rush ahead. Invite them in. Look to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith, and walk in his strength, not your own.

Because the goal isn’t just to win. It’s to finish well. And you don’t have to run the race alone.

Questions for Reflection:

How does community help us build self-control?

When do you tend to be more self-reliant?